- tape runs out. so does wrapping paper. both usually happen on Christmas Eve. i can’t count the times my family has gotten gifts wrapped in the Charlotte Observer.
- lights go out. last year, we had a strand of lights on our tree that constantly went out. when they did, our solution was to hit them in the just the right spot and they would light up for another 30 minutes. we repeated this cycle for a solid 20 days. this year, my mom geniously told me to change the broken bulb on the strand.
- turkeys get burned. just call the neck and say grace–or the pledge of allegiance–before eating it.
often the best parts of Christmas–at least the memories we hold on to–are the things that go wrong. no one cares what their gift is wrapped in–like we have been taught since kindergarten, it’s what’s on the inside that matters. no one cares if your lights go out, so don’t take yourself so seriously. tinsel in a tangle is like having your panties in a wad- they need to be untangled and un-waded asap.
- spike the office eggnog: it’s like its the adult version of seeing your teacher in public when you were younger. is there anything greater–or more frightening– than coworkers being drunk together? at least one person does something fire-worthy. just don’t let it be you.
eat too many cookies. as far as i’m concerned, santa eats them at every house and still fits down the chimney. all you have to do is wiggle into your elastic pajamas to open presents.
have a lotta fun with a little small talk: is there anything worse than small talk? i’d rather try to give myself acupuncture than feel like an awkward wallflower at parties. it’s so miserable. so at least try to make it fun. at the height of our coolness a few years ago, my friends and i would assign roles when we went out– question girl, easily-offended girl, limps-a-lot girl, stutter girl … awkward holiday parties are a great time to bring this back out.